Diary Of Feelings — Re: Dad 1/7/08 – 1/31/08

Here’s a sort of diary of feelings I’ve had since my father passed away and before.

Monday January 7, 2008
Suzanne called my cell phone pretty early in the morning saying my Dad is in the hospital. She called again later that day telling me that they think it’s theroitoxicitous. I get Brian to look up the medical terms of what she said. She also said he was admitted Sunday night. I, of course, asked if there was anything I could do and to keep me updated. Suzanne also said Dad is to be released the following night.

====================

Tuesday January 8, 2008
Suzanne called me again with one update. I asked some medical questions based on the research Brian provided about said condition.

====================

Wednesday January 9, 2008
No update from Suzanne.

====================

Thursday January 10, 2008
Suzanne called with the status of Dad. Now, I believe, is the time Suzanne tells me of Dad’s staph infection. Mom also called that night. She said that I should really come down to see Dad. Dad is to undergo a test to see if the staph infection has spread to his heart. Brian researches when the hospital is open for visitation hours.

====================

Friday January 11, 2008
I start to plan to see Dad sometime. I didn’t want to that weekend because of the playoffs. Since family comes first, I try to plan to see Dad Saturday. I also plan to see him Monday, so I asked Masoud for a half day. I give in and I plan to see him in the AM on Saturday and get back home before people start showing up around 3PM. I believe I talked to Suzanne this night with more updates. She tells me that the staph infection has spread to Dad’s other organs and confirms that it has infected his heart. I ask and have the comfort of friends. Shawn is not sure how one would go about treating a staph infection to the heart. I decide to get dad stuff for his visit in the hospital. I go to Radio Shack to pick him up gadgets I think he’d like. I also plan to burn him CD’s. I pick him up a robot Panda bear, two robot bugs, a laser pointer, and lots of batteries for the CD player. When I get home, I start laying out a track list on ITunes for songs I want to burn.

Being not quite finished with the list, I went out to TGI Fridays with Marc, Shawn, Jen, and Bri. Good service. Everyone has had a crappy week (of course mine tops) and wants to drink. Marc says something really really mean to Jen to get her depressed and put her in a bad mood. I honestly didn’t think the comment was that bad, but then again I’m not trying to get pregnant either. We go home and Shawn, Jen, Bri, and I play Rockband. Shawn and I have a few car bombs. Bri and I walked home around 11 in order to finish laying out the tracks and burning the CD’s. I burn 7 CD’s for him and print him out a list of all the songs on each CD. We get to bed around 12.

====================

Saturday January 12, 2008
We get up around 9AM in order to leave and make it just in time for the 10:30AM hours of visitation. Brian and I go up and see where Dad is and travel to level 3, the ICU. We get the okay for the nurse at the desk to open the door. We walk back and try to find room 318. I hear Dad’s voice as we get closer. He’s talking to a nurse. The nurse says that he must identify us for us to go in. Bri and I go in initially to see Dad. We exchange plesentries, and I ask how he’s feeling. He doesn’t look good since he’s bed ridden. His arms seem weaker. He also complains he can’t see. He thought it was snowing when I said it was a nice day outside. I decide to bring in all the stuff I got for him. I try to get packages of the robot panda open, the CD player, the bugs, the laser pointer. The panda needs a screw driver in order to get to the batteries. No nurse has one so we said we’d work on it again when we come back. My sister comes and her and I set him up. Brian is left to wait in the waiting room. I play “Jannie’s Got A Gun” by Aerosmith and Dad rocks out. He asks to repeat the song. I let the CD player keep playing and “Jessica” plays next. It’s a long instramental song of which Dad, I think, complains about or calls it a hippy song or something. More songs play and Dad tells my sister and I to leave and enjoy our day. This is the last time I ever spoke to him. Stacy hasn’t eaten yet so we decide to go to the Annapolis Mall to get her food and try to pick up an adapter for the CD player. We ask Radio Shack but we’re not sure what adapter would work. Stacy and I buy a smoothie together and she makes plans to eat with Robbie. Stacy drops Brian and I off at the hospital and we proceed home.

At home, we clean for that night’s party. I feel down the whole rest of the day, like I was holding back something. People start to show, the first game with Green Bay against Seattle comes on. Alan and his sister show up before the first half is over. Everyone except Joe and Kate drink. We all have a good time and we order pizza. I tell Brian to pay for everyone. Joe and Kate leave after the first game. Next, we root for Jacksonville to win over New England (of course no luck there). After the games, we play Skategories, listen to music, and chill. Alan and his sister leave around 1AM. We finally get to bed. Up until this night I haven’t had much problem getting to sleep. I just remember lying there, thinking about Dad and looking forward to seeing him again.

====================

Sunday January 13, 2008
We got up and started planning what the day was going to be like. We were going to watch the playoffs. Stacy called me to tell me Mike Imbach and Kim wanted us to meet over Dad’s to discuss what’s going to happen. I was very confused and didn’t want to drive down for nothing so I called the hospital. They said they wanted to do a family meeting and designate a spokes person. They also said that Dad was knocked out because that night he started mumbling gibberish so they wanted to do a cat scan. We decided to leave for the hospital.

We gave our key to Shawn and Jen for Candi. We met Stacy and Kim at the hospital. We waited around for the doctor and he had us in a room while he explained some things. Dad was completely out of it. It was like a deep sleep for him. They kept saying they were sure he was going to wake up. They explained that he was hevily medicated because he suffered a brain frat or something the night before. We get pretty upset because the news is just not good. Kim gets so upset she storms out crying. The nurse is there to comfort us. She left and we’re talking but crying. I get so upset I throw up in the trash can. I told the nurse and the doctor I would want to try to donate Dad’s organs if we could. I knew that most of them were probably unusable anyway. We talk about what’s going to happen and decide Suzanne shouldn’t be allowed to visit because of incidents in the past. The nurse gets mine and Stacy’s information to make us POC’s.

We decided there wasn’t anything to do at the hospital so we went home. We caught the last bit of the Dallas and NY Giants game. We fixed dinner.

====================

Monday January 14, 2008
We get up early and I text message Ernie telling him that I wouldn’t be in. We had an appointment at 10 to see Littleton. We asked if Dad had a living will. He did not. We also asked about the real will. Littleton said we should look for it just in case. We visited the hospital to check on Dad. His condition didn’t change. I talked to him for a while, just telling him how I felt and how sorry I was. I told him what I wanted to say to him for years, given this opportunity. I couldn’t. He’s my father and I forgave him everything he’s ever done to hurt me. I told him I loved him and I was so sorry about anything I ever did to hurt him. Stacy came in also and we played some music for him. We met with Rita and others in the waiting room. Aunt Janet said she would be taking care of Rita for a night then she can stay over Dad’s (of course one day turns into a week). We gathered some people and decided to make some phone calls to tell people of Dad’s condition. We had another meeting about it. The doctors, again, said there wasn’t much hope. We decided to give it a few more days again. They were talking again about transferring him to another hospital that might be able to help him and do surgery.

The family and I decided to wait on it because the doctors didn’t think it was likely. I never wanted to feel like I’ve given up on someone. I’ve never wanted to feel like I had control over anyone’s life. I had control over Dad’s. It was a mutual decision. We tried to read between the lines of what the doctors were telling us and what we think Dad would have wanted. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life. Brian and I went home and went to work the next day. I called the hospital right before I went to bed.

====================

Tuesday January 15, 2008
Went to work like normal. I called the hospital but the nurse didn’t answer. Decided to call back in a little while. I called two or three times during this day. They said his condition hadn’t changed. I called Littleton to see what’s going on with Dad’s checks.

Suzanne wanted to write out a bunch of checks for things. They wanted to buy a bed for Rita, give Stacy and I $200 for driving. Give Kim $200 for driving. A blank check for the grocery store. Littleton said he didn’t approve. Brian called Stacy and a little tiff happened. I called Stacy later that day to explain that Brian was sorry for making people upset. She said it was cool, just that we weren’t around so we shouldn’t dictate. I just want to watch out for both of us. Stuff like that shouldn’t happen in a time like now. It’s just not fair.

When we got home, Brian got ready for his green party meeting. He went and I stayed home and watched Scrubs. I called my sister with the status of the family meeting that I couldn’t attend. She said that the infection spread to Dad’s brain. She basically said there was no hope. I got really depressed and the feelings flowed through. Brian called said he was on his way home. I decided I wanted to be drunk so I could hopefully not remember any of this. I took a shot to Dad and immediately threw up. I just lyed there, emotionless. I cried forever when Brian got home. But, yet I still feel I’m in denial.

====================

Wednesday January 16, 2008
I had planned to sleep in a bit and purposely be late for work so I could just put in four hours and bolt. The hospital called right after my alarm went off. They said a decision needs to be made about Dad right now. I told them I was on my way. We got out of bed. My mom called, then Stacy called. Seems I was the last one informed. We got Jen to watch Candi and headed on our way. I texted Mike on the way telling him I wasn’t going to be in. On the way, Brian took the wrong exit on 50. I called everyone to make sure we were all coming.

When I got there, they told me and Bri to go back. The nurse was there and she said that Dad had passed away in his sleep that morning. A wave of devastation took over me. I couldn’t believe it. I just stood there, with blank emotion. Denial had begun. I walked into see Dad one last time. He sat there like a wax sculpture. Kim was in the room crying. I told Dad I loved him and gave Kim a hug. We went out to meet people in the waiting room. Stacy, Mom, Suzanne, all came. I sat them down and told them Dad had passed away. Everyone started crying. Littleton came too and explained what we needed to do next. The hospital gave me a list of funeral homes. We gathered around the hospital, a few people went back at a time. We all waited and I contemplated what we had to do. Everything seemed so confusing, and I haven’t even started to grieve yet. I was way in denial, making jokes, livining people up. I don’t know how to explain how I felt because everything was so strange. It felt like it wasn’t real. It still doesn’t feel like it’s real. We went back to Dad’s to start planning things. We took Mom and Rita. Aunt Janet stopped at a store to get a whole bunch of food for everyone. We also wrote the obituary. We visited Littleton who said he had the will all along. He left everything to Stacy and I. I couldn’t help but cry right then and there. Dad said he wanted to be viewed with his Rolex on. We couldn’t get into the safe. There was nothing we could do. We discussed questions we had. Littleton was the executor. Our number one priority was getting the Rolex and figuring out what Dad would want. Littleton said he wanted us to decide or whatever. It’s so hard.

We then went to Singletons funeral home because Mom said Dad would want to be there, where both his parents went. We sat down and figured out some basic stuff. We then went to the cometary to arrange things. Dad had a plot there and a vault. Bri, Stacy, and I went back to Dad’s house to discuss other details. Everything was so confusing. We got a hold of some of Dad’s old friends. I talked to a few people to try to figure out what is going to happen.

Brian and I went home and fixed dinner. I kept saying to Brian how I wanted a certain episode of Scrubs where JD’s father dies. Brian went out to Best Buy and bought it for me. I guess I didn’t know how to feel. Everything was so strange. My bad dreams began that night.

====================

Thursday January 17, 2008
I tried my best to put in a half day at work. We told Stacy we were going to come down to help with the collages. I kept crying at work as I told my co workers what happened. Sometimes I just randomly cried. It looked like it was snowing pretty bad outside. I wanted to go home so much. I wanted to try to be honest and put in four hours of work, but I gave in at 11:30. The snow was really bad, the roads were horrible. I took my time and called Brian to tell him to take it slow. When I got home I watched Scrubs and waited for Bri. We watched Scrubs together, contemplating whether or not to drive. We also needed to get pictures for the slide show. My sister didn’t do them.

Around 4 or 5 we drove to Brian’s parents for the night (with Candi), right after I took a bath. We called Stacy to tell her we’d be over for the appointment but we couldn’t come down that night. I called Kim to see if she was okay.

We got to Brian’s parents safe. Right before, we stopped for dinner at KFC. We stayed up and snuggled and watched TV. Sleep is only half.

====================

Friday January 18, 2008
We got up early and went over Dad’s to pick up Stacy. She was running late. We had breakfast at Wawa. We stopped by Wawa to get Stacy something. Suzanne needed a ride to Glen Burnie, so we dropped her off before Singletons. We went to Singletons to plan the funeral. We picked out everything and planned everything. The lady there was asking us for information that we had already given them before. I was ready to snap but kept a little composure but acted rude. It was really difficult figuring out what Dad would have wanted. We picked out the perfect cascate, called the Forest II. Dad named his tractor Forest. We changed the dates of the viewing and funeral to Tuesday and Wednesday instead of Thursday and Friday.

After the funeral home, we went to the cometary. The lady was being really slow with the paper work. We had to get pictures for Dad’s slide show before 3. She said come back at 4:30. We tried to visit Littleton to get information about Dad’s heat that just went out. He was out to lunch so we decided to eat something then come back. We went to this little bar and grill place. The prices were really expensive and I lost it and stormed out. I refused to pay them $8 for a sandwich. I just walked to the other side of the building.

Brian kept calling me. At that moment, I didn’t care what happened to me for I wanted to die. All this was happening and I couldn’t control anything. I felt so alone. I refused to eat anything. We went back to Littleton’s but he was still out. We decided we couldn’t wait and went home to get pictures together. A little detour because Stacy forgot all the pictures in her friend’s car. Littleton called Brian and told him to spot $700 for the oil. It was to be delivered Saturday. We only had 45 minutes to pick out good pictures of Dad.

We got good pictures but I wasn’t happy because it didn’t show any of his childhood. After that, we went to Singletons again to drop off the pictures.

We had an hour and a half to burn so we decided to go let out Candi in Bowie because we couldn’t get a hold of Brian’s uncle. I’m still in denial. We stopped in, let her out, then went right back to Glen Burnie for the cemetery meeting. We planned it and walked out to the grave site. They seem nice but they want to be paid. Mom kept calling the entire time. We picked her up to take her to Dad’s.

Stacy was going to drop her off at someone’s house. Mom and Suzanne don’t realize how hard it is for us to do everything. We wanted to have a reception after the funeral, but if we have to plan it, I don’t think so. The added pressure of driving them everywhere they need to go. I hope people realize how hard it was for my sister and I to do everything.

Bri stops by B&T bank for the ATM for me. It kept saying “invalid pin” when I go to withdraw $700. I lost it there. I typed my pin number in correctly. I tell Brian, he calls them and gives me the phone after a long hold. I’m already nuts, kicking the building, kicking the ATM. The person tells me that I’m limited to $500 a day withdraw. I tell him it’s crap and my Dad just died and we’re trying to get money for oil cause the heat is out. I loose it and hang up on him. I had severe anger, I kept hitting myself. Brian tried to calm me down. Mom tells me to calm down but I go off on her. Stacy gets angry at me for yelling at Mom, explaining to her that we’ve been doing this all on our own with no one’s help. Brian’s been doing the driving which I still feel bad about. Brian withdraws $300 from his ATM and we’re on our way home. We give Stacy the money and finally get to go home after we pick up the puppy in Bowie.

I appologize to everyone over the phone but am still so hurt.

====================

Saturday January 19, 2008 – Sunday January 20, 2008
I take the weekend off to try not to think about anything and distress. We just relax, watch football, drink a little, play Rockband. Brian and I get our minds off of it. All Stacy is left to do is the collages.

Sunday night, Brian tells me he’s taking off Monday to make sure things are going to go as planned. I have Monday off for a federal holiday anyway.

====================

Monday January 21, 2008
Brian and I slept in until about 9 when we both got up. I believe Brian got up before me. Always when I wake up, I’m in a daze. I just lie there in disbelief that I’m still alive and that this is really happening. We got up and made our way over Brian’s parents house to drop off Candi. That’s where we’ll be staying until Wednesday. The cometary called on the way down, asking for money. I said my sister should be taking care of it, so they called her. She didn’t have it and Littleton said that we can’t access Dad’s money, so we’ll have to front it. Also, more stress, our cousin, Billy Ray, wanted to go to the funeral, but he doesn’t have the money to come up. Stacy said she could charge $600 for it, but I told her that it’s not her responsibility to do so. We’ve absorbed a lot of cost so far. With gas costs, the heating bill, stops for food, Brian taking off, we’re behind on where we should be. I called the cometary back to ask what the total we needed to carry on with the funeral was. After 20 minutes of them trying to tally a number, it came to $1,512. We, of course, didn’t have it on hand. They wanted it by 2PM. We had to ask Brian’s parents for a big favor, for them to get it. They gave us a check for $1,512. We immediately, after saying “thank you thank you thank you” went to the cometary in Glen Burnie to pay it off. We’re just so lucky Brian’s parents were off, and we’re so lucky to have them.

After the cometary, we went over Dad’s to finish the collage. Sine it was pretty early, we got pictures together and made one. Bri and I also found some stuff to decorate the room for the viewing. I’m still mad at the cometary for calling demanding money. Just seems very insensitive. We went back over Brian’s parents around 4PM because there was nothing more to do. We started placing locks (with the help of Mike Imbach) on the house.

Brian’s mom gave me stuff to wear at the viewing the next day. Brian’s parents made a good dinner and we went to bed around 12. We did watch a little bit of the democratic debate. We discussed a lot of things and I played sudoko a bit. When we went to bed, I just lied there in a mist, the day had gone okay, but I get really depressed and sad when I go to bed and when I get up.

====================

Tuesday January 22, 2008
We got up early to head over Dad’s by 10. Mike Imbach was meeting us there to put some more locks on the house. Marcus also came by. He’s one of Dad’s old friends. I don’t remember him. We chatted a while and waited for Littleton and the safe crackers to come. Mike also chatted a bit, telling us that it would be nice to drive the Camero to Dad’s funeral the next day.

Around 12 they got started. I got Brian to get me a sandwich at Wawa. Stacy, Littleton, and I stayed in Dad’s room, just chatting as the safe crackers worked. We talked about what’s going to happen, questions we had, etc. It was around 2:30 and we needed to get started to go to set up for the viewing. After discussion, Stacy decided to go with all the stuff to set up and I stay behind with Littleton. Brian opted to drop Suzanne and Kim off and pick Mom up to take her to the viewing. Bri got back around 4.

They finally got the safe open and we found Dad’s rolex. It was too late to put it on him, unfortunately, so Littleton gave his rolex to Stacy for Dad to wear. Brian and I had a good little debate with Littleton as the safe crackers were cleaning up and putting the new lock on. When everything was said and done, Littleton left and we decided to head for Aunt Janet’s where she was making dinner for us.

We heard on the way that Heath Ledger died. We had turkey and gravy at Aunt Janet’s. We discussed a lot of things. Uncle Mike offered to help with whatever we needed. We got ready and left for the viewing. There were a lot of people who showed up. Brian’s parents came, a lot of people from Dad’s past. The old gang I remember when I grew up all came. Interesting things came about. Kim Bracado took me a side at one point and told me not to trust Kim and to get her out of the house ASAP. I didn’t really know what to think. I mingled and met a lot of people I used to know. My old high school friends, Rick and Sara came. We mostly hung with them and caught up. Brian, at one point, stepped outside where the guys were talking about Kim. They, basically, flat out offered to cap her for us. It was strange.

Throughout the night, I felt like I was acting wrong. I wasn’t really happy, but I wasn’t too depressed, either. Just mingled and hung out. Towards the end, the priest who is to speak at the funeral came up to me, introduced himself to my sister and I, and asked what Dad was like. I told him the story about the flat tire. I said Dad was into boats and cars and trains. Stacy went back to her group of friends who were mingling. I prayed with the priest. Come 9, the funeral woman confronted me about things. I said we needed to get the rolex off of him, so she did. Afterwards, my sister went to Dad and cried for a good 20 minutes. Robbie comforted her. She didn’t want anyone to talk to her, she just wanted to be with Dad one last time, I guess. We chatted with Stacy’s friends who still remained. After that we packed up the stuff around Dad. Suzanne had said that she placed a ring with Dad. Whatever. We headed back to Brian’s parents house. I told them how glad I was that they came. I had both rolex’s. We compared and chatted about things. Bri and I had to be at Dad’s by 10 to get ready.

====================

Wednesday January 23, 2008
Brian woke up before me and walked Candi. I got up slowly because I was in the usual fuzz. I lied in bed for a while, just thinking about everything. I felt embarrassed to get up since Bri’s parents were still in bed. Brian’s dad made breakfast when I got up. We had to get to Dad’s at 10. When we got there, Mike got into the garage and got the car down (we had to find the key in a bunch of keys in the safe before that). We had to move the truck in order to get to it. The battery had died so Mike had to jump it. As it was charging, we went around the house and finished up some locks. We talked about the plan with Stacy and everyone who was there. Stacy agreed to drive the Camero to the funeral home and the funeral. Stacy and I got ready and went.

When we got to the funeral home, we notice a familiar face, Ms Patt, one of Dad’s old employees. She was shaking and was crying. They told her that Dad wasn’t there, she just wanted to give him a flower. We both went in. Uncle Mike also came because he thought paw barrors had to be there. The funeral home gave us all of Dad’s stuff like his flowers and everything.

Until this point I was okay. I felt very weird driving in Dad’s favorite car and the whole thing. We were one of the first people to arrive at the funeral. Ms Pat followed us, and so did Uncle Mike. People started showing up and I talked to them. Mom showed up dressed in casual clothes. I could have punched her. Aunt Ruth came, Brian’s parents, Rick and Sara, Dad’s friends, a lot of people. I started to weep a little bit because everyone else was teary, but I could only a little. I sat next to Mom and Ms Pat. The priest said good things and we prayed. When it was over, people walked up to the casket and said good bye. Mike made an announcement that we were to have a reception over Dad’s.

Rita wanted to go instead of going with Aunt Janet and Aunt Ruth to a restaurant. We stopped Brian and he took Rita. Stacy and I rode in the Camero but stopped because we needed to get gas. We made it back to Dad’s and everyone mingled. There was plenty of food and drinks. I’m so glad we didn’t need to plan that. Littleton stopped by and we talked about what was going on. He said he opened the estate. I mingled with a lot of people and showed most of the house to Brian’s parents. I was mostly outside talking to Uncle George and people. I was inside but since people had to move cars to shuffle them around, I went outside. Uncle George and I had a nice long talk and we both cried. He told me what Dad’s parents were like, and he said he loved Roland. He said how fucked up the situation was with him and that he thought he needed help. He wanted to help him. When people started clearing, we told Mom and Suzanne to get their stuff. Two less people in the house. Rita started to ask for things, and in some instances, just took things. My grandparents pictures were off the walls mysteriously. There was rumor later that she asked Mom and Brian for things. Mom and Brian have no authority to give anything away. Also there was rumor Aunt Janet told Rita that now wasn’t the time to get her stuff from there.

Aunt Janet showed up to pick up Rita. Rita used some of Kim’s boxes for her stuff. Uncle Mike took the kids around to show them the house and garage. When they left, we decided to leave. We had Mom and Suzanne to take to Glen Burnie. We stopped at Wawa because Mom wanted to get some drinks. We dropped them and all their stuff at Glen Burnie and went to Bowie. We were only there about 15 minutes.

We just got our stuff and the puppy. I returned everything and, of course, said thank you for their hospitality. Then we finally got to go home.

At home, we got a chance to relax and unwind. We are to go to back to work the next day. Everything feels so strange. I don’t know how to feel. I’m still in denial. I asked Brian to let me have two days of peace before we need to worry about anything again. This might have been the night when I dreamed of who will die next in my family.

====================

Thursday January 24, 2008
Finally back to work. It’s Steve’s last day at MORI. We go out to lunch to celebrate or whatever. I like to get off what’s going on in my life, but I tell people around the office when they ask. When Steve asked, I quickly turned attention to him. I asked what he was going to do and his plans. Steve left the office around 2 or 3. Shortly after that, we celebrated Dimitri’s birthday (which was Saturday) with a cake.

I left the office at my normal time. I’m getting back into the grove of working again. It felt like I never left. I got home and let Candi out and watched Hardball like usual. It must have been shortly after Bri got home, Brian was going out to run some errands. He mentioned that he was going to pick up some boxes. I was on the computer and I just snapped. I got so angry and I told him I didn’t want to hear it until the weekend. That I wanted two days of quazi normalcy. He couldn’t give me that. I knocked over the table, knocked over the chair. My world was spinning out of control. I hit my head like I normally do when my mind bends like that. I yelled and got really angry. I probably hit and punched Brian. His emotion and anger got to him too and he started hitting me. He hit my arm pretty bad and I started crying. I retreated to the bedroom where I collapsed in a sea of emotions and started shouting “just kill me so I can see my Dad again”. That’s all I wanted at that exact moment was to see my father. I wanted to die so badly so I could see him again. I just didn’t want to think about everything we had to do. I want my life back. I just want my life back.

Brian left and went outside. I usually just lie in bed or somewhere and think about all I’ve felt and try to get better. He came back in and we both apologized. Dust settled and we had dinner. Brian told me he spoke to Aunt Janet and that she cried on the phone because she was upset about Rita. She told me how she felt duped and fooled that Rita just came down to get her stuff. I told her it was okay but she said she wanted to protect Stacy and I. I also talked to Stacy. She seemed to be doing okay. She said she was working until Sunday.

====================

Friday January 25, 2008
Went to work like any normal day. I think I woke up in the dark and I complained to Brian that I hurt myself trying to find something. Had lunch at work, like usual. Went home and Brian went to the bank. We decided to go out to Applebees to try their three course dinner. It was pretty crowded, but we waited. While waiting, I decided to try to find a jewelry store via our GPS. Brian called them and asked for an appraisal. Welp, that’s not what I wanted. I wanted him to ask to see if they can verify if the watch we have is a real rolex or not. I just snapped there. I was going insane because Brian is so stupid sometimes. He just doesn’t get it sometimes. It was really hard at that moment. Just little things, so much stress, so much pressure. Little things get to me a lot.

====================

Saturday January 26, 2008
Half way sleep again. Anticipating what we need to do. We’re going to go over Dad’s to figure out some stuff. I couldn’t get back to sleep around 4AM. I have a bad habit of waking up every hour or so. I decided to write this note to display how I feel, when I’m going through moments.

I’ve been just going through a lot of denial and stress, and, at times, severe anger. I snap really easily. I get mad at Brian, mad at my sister. I haven’t gotten mad at my sis in years. Anyway, I decided this note might be therapeutic, if not, maybe help someone else going through the same sorts of things. It’s really hard loosing a loved one.

I finally got to sleep around 7 after writing some of this. We got up around 9 to go over Dad’s for the security system guy. He explained things, found wires of which were installed but not used. we had Candi the whole time. Mike Imbach came over and helped Brian figure out all the cars in the junk yard. Stacy said she’d pay for the security system. She just wants everything to be safe.

Afterward, we talked to Mike about things. Stacy said he shouldn’t have come up unannounced and that no one should come up while no one is there. Kim agreed, and she’s for keeping things safe because her stuff is there, too. Kim got picked up by her mom. She brought some stuff back because she will be living there now.

Stacy left for work, we locked the house up. I went though the safe a bit and disposed of pills and things of that sort. We then left for Bri’s parents. We took Dad’s laptop. we had a nice dinner over there. Afterward, Brian dug on Dad’s computer and found his 2006 tax form. Bri’s parents deciphered it for us. Dad was, obviously, cheating on his taxes.

Brian and I went to sleep around 12 to get up quazi early to help my sister and Kim move. I couldn’t get to sleep. Can’t stop thinking about Dad.

====================

Sunday January 27, 2008
Brian got up before me and let Candi out. I was sitting there pondering whether or not to get up and start this whole mess which is my life, again. Everytime I get up, a tiny portion of me still thinks and hopes that this isn’t real. Brian made pancakes for us for breakfast. Brian decided he wanted to take the van to help people move stuff, if necessary. I thought it was unnecessary. We had taken the Prius this weekend.

We got over Dad’s and discussed the agenda with Stacy, then went to the hardware store to get necessary materials. I went to Graul’s to see if they had coffee cake. I should have went to the hardware store. Brian forgot a few necessary things and had to go back in.

When we got home we discussed how we needed to seal up the house and what we needed to do. I took the things out of the bag. Brian had only got 75 feet of tape. Dad has a lot of windows. I snapped, yet again. I went off of him and called him stupid and what not. So frustrated. My world kept turning without slowing down. I started crying and yelling. I threatened to go home but I didn’t have my car. Brian gave me the keys to the van telling me to go home. I threw them back at him, breaking the remote. I was still so upset but we tried to find the buttons. My world was still spinning. I was still screaming and Brian lost it too. Brian needs to understand he needs to be stronger than me. I just want to know what he’s going to be like when one of his parents die. How strong will I be for him? He’s not strong enough for me because he looses it. I wish he’d know just hold me just comfort me. Stop my world from spinning, he can do that. Why won’t he be strong for me? It’s not hard for him, he wasn’t close to my father at all.

Brian finally just held me and stopped my head. I just cried and collapsed. The usual feeling of getting ready to throw up. I kept saying all i wanted to do was die. That’s all I wanted. To see my father again, how I wish this wasn’t happening. It slowed down and we took a logical look at where I threw the keys and found the missing parts. We assembled the remote back and it worked.

I decided to start putting the final lock on the upstairs door. Brian went with Kim’s mom to drop stuff off. I sealed up the door with a lot of tape and explored the garage. I took video of the garage. Jen called, asking when we were going to be home. I told them late because we still needed to pick up the Prius and the puppy from Bowie. I said to take the van but Brian wanted to anyway.

Brian finally got back to Dad’s. Kim left from there after she packed up most her stuff. Stacy also left with Robbie. We made sure all the doors were locked and everything. We tried to block the doors and windows as best we could. The house seemed secure. As we left, we took Dad’s looney tunes pictures with us.

We dropped off the looney tunes art and got the puppy and headed back to Germantown. We hung out with Shawn and Jen and played Rockband and watched Blades Of Glory. They ordered pizza. While watching the movie, Suzanne called to talk to me about Stacy’s tuition, the cars, and her stuff. She also called again to tell me about the tanning bed might be Christy’s. She also mentioned malpractice again.

It’s getting to the point where it’s harassment. Suzanne has called at least once every two days. If she’s harassing my sister and keeps calling, we will have a problem.

We walked home around 9. We both weren’t really tired so we decided to watch Harry Potter 5. I went to bed rather quickly, but again, half sleep.

====================

Monday January 28, 2008
I woke up this morning thankful that it wasn’t a weekend. I woke up several times during the night. Once was with Size_t sleeping on me. My side hurt a lot throughout the day because of the way I slept. I went to work, pondering what things I had to do. My phone died so I worried the whole day someone important may call. I got Brian to call Littleton to tell him what Suzanne had told me the previous day and about the tax return we found. I went to lunch with coworkers at the mall. During the day I kept thinking ahead of what we needed to do. I figure everyone make a list of things in Dad’s house. We put all their stuff in one location like the pool room.

Therefore we can sort through the house piece by piece without worrying about throwing anything valuable away. Came home, talked to Shawn for a minute, let Candi out. Watched about 5 minutes of Hardball before Brian came home. We went directly to UPS in Gaithersburg.

Dad’s thank you cards from Singleton’s arrived. I have no clue who to send them to. We had only received two flowers from the funeral.

I guess I can not do anything with them.

====================

Tuesday January 29, 2008
Having a hard time staying asleep always. I wake up frequently and I can’t not dream when I sleep. It’s a half sleep all the time. When I’m awake, I’m awake, but when I sleep I’m only half asleep. This day I went to work as usual. Had lunch. Boring day at work. When I got home I played guitar hero because I didn’t want to watch Chris Matthews. I wanted to play “When You Were Young” by the Killers but I didn’t get to that song yet. Brian made meatball subs and we went over Shawn and Jen’s to play some Rockband and watch House. During rockband, I had them play “When You Were Young”. After the song I felt like crying because I always think of Dad during that song. It was so hard but I kept tears back but they came anyway. I just miss him so much. We all watched House. When we came home we watched a bit of SVU then went to bed. Brian and I made love. Afterward, I went to the sink and started to cry uncontrollably. Brian rushed to comfort me but I kept feeling and emotions kept coming and wouldn’t stop. I almost threw up like I always feel like doing when I get that upset. I kept thinking about how I will never talk to Dad again. I’ll never hear his voice again.

====================

Wednesday January 30, 2008
I got up really angry because, like always, I haven’t been sleeping well. I woke up and needed light to see so I got mad because Brian is always still in bed. I jammed my thumb trying to get to the sink. I went to work like normal. Had lunch with Dimitri at the place down stairs. Monique told me that Lockheed Martin needs a web developer temporarily. I had a phone interview at 1PM which I did pretty well on. The guy seemed to like me. But I don’t want to go into DC. I’m not ready for another dramatic change. I only get three days of normalcy in the week. Friday’s we’re planning what we’re doing that weekend, Monday’s we’re recovering from what we did. And even there, I’m always “on call” with everything. Suzanne calls, Littleton calls sometimes. I can’t get a break anyway. I can’t go.

My life is too hectic now. I was desperate to talk to someone about it but decided to talk to Brian when I got home. I talked to him and we decided I should talk to Bri’s Dad about it. After the grocery store and dinner, I called him. I told him I didn’t want to seem selfish in asking that it’s not a good time for me to go anywhere. It’s just another thing I need to worry about right now. My life is too messed up right now. Maybe after the summer, maybe when things can cool down. I just lost my father, I need a break. It’s hard enough going to work sometimes, but I need the money so I don’t have a choice. Everything’s so difficult. That night right before we went to bed I talked to Seth a little bit. Right before bed I cried again. Brian held me forever. I had finally told him my one dream I had. The next people to die in my family are Aunt Ruth, Candi, Mom.

====================

Thursday January 31, 2008
It marks the first time I got a decent sleep in a long time. Granted, I went to bed late like always. Went to work, had lunch. Debated a lot with Seth on the debate group. Brian forgot the tax form of Dad’s. He went home during his lunch break and let the puppy out and got it. He faxed it and the canceled check (for the cometary) over to Littleton. I got home and played some guitar hero. We had dinner. Shawn stopped over to borrow one of Brian’s suits for his interview on Friday. After dinner we went over Shawn and Jens to watch the Comebacks. After the movie, we went home and snuggled. We made love again. I think it was like the forth time in like three weeks. No real emotions came over me when I went to bed. Brian and I just talked. I always think right before I go to sleep of how I wish I could wake up and this not be happening.

====================

Currently, I still have bad dreams some nights. Right before I go to bed I worry about a lot of things. I think about and worry about a lot of things all the time, really. I’m still in denial, I think. I don’t know when it’s really going to hit me. I keep thinking back to the way my Dad coughed when he picked up the phone, and his voice. I can’t express it into words how hard to believe it is that he’s gone. I feel so much guilt about everything.